REACHING OUT

Reached out to a friend of mine. I'd say one of the last few that I have a fairly strong friendship with. It's notable only in the fact that , for me, maintaining social relationships is a challenge to put it mildly. So when I have a friendship with someone I try very hard not to lose it. Because it's something I can't really replicate easily. Finding a new friend I can trust is like finding gold. Valuable, because it's both worth something AND so rare.

"It's weird, it's stupid. No one's going to care what you have to say. You don't know what you're talking about. You could be completely wrong. How would you be able to tell?" Those are the kind of thoughts that like to run through my head when I try to befriend someone new.

The point is that I reached out to him. Just to see how he was faring, no particular reason. I tried asking him a few questions to get him to engage, but it was clear his attention was elsewhere, such as the game he was focused on.

It really shouldn't bother me, the feeling of being dismissed. It's not his fault or his problem, it's mine. I know it , and I would never argue against it. Unfortunately, I've yet to master the art of complete emotional disconnect, so I'm still burdened with the byproduct of the human state.

Feelings.

I guess what it boils down to is that I care a lot more about it than he does, along with most of the others in my former friend group.

And I did have friend groups. Three major points in my life where I had a small group of people that I talked to and commiserated with, even if it was just in public or at work. Each time I swore to myself to keep in contact, that I didn't have to lose them from my life. And each time I ultimately failed.

Examined rationally, one could make a case for self forgiveness. I had problems growing up that I never understood until midlife. Problems in my home life, problems in my head, problems at school and talking to people. Problems that made me question the value of my existence.

If I were to list them all and put them all together, I think most people would say it's okay for some self forgiveness. And I'll go into more detail about those problems some other day. And yet.....

Even though it makes perfect sense, I can't forgive myself. I can't excuse myself for letting it happen, not emotionally. I tell myself that I wasn't the only one, that things like social media and smartphones and probably a dozen other factors I had no control over all shared in a piece of the human disconnect pie.

And it's happened before. He was too busy with his affairs. Got a life as well, so I get it.

Tried multiple times, actually.

So it shouldn't bother me that another one of my close friends may be fading away like the others. Why should I care? He could have reached out on his own, they all could have. I know this, its obvious.

So why should it bother me when all my peers are forged by naught but shades and tears?