The Great Unknown

What do you think of when you think of the future? Flying cars? A hopefully comfortable retirement? Heaven? Or a thousand other things?

My first thought of the future can be summed up in a single word..... Fear

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the chaotic, uncontrolled and often malevolent unknown. An autistic persons worst nightmare.

Now autistics are a very diverse community, but I think I can say with certainty that, for the majority of us at least, the unknown of not knowing what you're "supposed" to say or do in social situations causes considerable distress.

Especially for me.

I don't fear a lot of traditional things like death. I'm not suicidal, but for someone like me death is a release, not a fear. I fear more the how and why of my death. Specifically, I fear dying as a silent, unknown old man, lost in obsession over a dream he ran out of time to achieve. Speechless and broken. That's not how I want to die.

And the manner of death is important. It's not just when or how, but why. What caused your life to end? Was it lost in service to something greater than yourself? Was it snuffed out in an accident that could have been avoided if known?

Or is it just the death of old age, silent and gray, a withered husk as the final legacy of your greatness?

But how are you supposed to live? More accurately, how are you supposed to know the correct decision to make at the crossroads?

We autistics like a sense of order. We like knowing what we're supposed to say and do to achieve the goal. But it's pretty hard to prepare for the future when you have no idea what's going to happen?

It forces you to look internally, to examine your own skills and ability to influence the world around you. And for many autistics, aspiration often fails to become reality. We're forced to acknowledge the unpleasant truth: our best will most often not be good enough.

Just daily routines are often a challenge, the basic responsibilities of adult self living. That being the case, how confident can one truly be when facing the unknown, still struggling just to be a responsible adult?

Maybe I can't save the world, at least let me die in service of something bigger than myself.