The Demon Child

I'm sure we all know what it feels like to be indecisive at times. That feeling where you're not sure what the right course of action is. Especially when the consequences go beyond yourself.

Want to hear something crazy? When it comes to something I want to do, especially on my own where no one is watching, more often than not I have to battle with myself just to take action. And when I say battle, I mean, a routine internal struggle within myself that no one ever sees. A nightly campaign of berating, arguing, mocking, even screaming at myself to take action. All in silence, except in my head.

It's driven me to panic attacks at times, the constant back and forth within myself. I'll sit down and ask myself, "don't you want to be productive right now? You'll never get anywhere if you don't put in the work." And the words that pop into my head? "Yes I do, and no I don't. I absolutely want to..... and I absolutely don't." Sounds absurd doesn't it?

Why, you ask? For me, it's a question I've struggled with my whole life. Even pushing half a century old, I still can't quite understand. All I have is best guess, part of a complicated analysis which I'll go more into depth about another time. 

The best way I can describe the phenomenon is like having a metaphorical child living inside you. Some part of you feels stunted, like it couldn't quite mature with the rest of your consciousness. It lives inside you, that invisible piece of you which just won't grow up, often trapped in a perpetual tantrum for attention.

Imagine you were a writer or journalist, and every time you sat down to work independently by yourself, that invisible part of you was pushing back, insisting on engaging in fun and leisure time. Doesn't matter what the situation or consequence, the child wants it now. And any parent worth the title can tell you constant battles wear you down. Sometimes you just don't have the energy to fight anymore, so you give in. 

And that's how it gets you. The demon child breaks down your will by always coming back. Even if you push yourself to succeed a hundred times over, that child inside you will be right back. Just as strong as before. Just as loud and selfish as before.

Spent time in therapy, tried exercising regularly, pushed myself out of the comfort zone over and over again. Tried meditation, different pharmacy pills for anxiety and depression, just about everything short of witchcraft to motivate myself without having to fight that constant inner battle. And it still comes back.

I'm pushing half a century old. Still got some time, but now there'll be more years behind, not ahead. I've fought this thing my whole damn life, and it's only gotten worse as I get older. The push to change gets harder as you get on in years. I don't want to live this way the rest of my life. I don't want to quit or give up. I WONT quit or give up. I may lose hope, but I'll keep fighting, even if it's just for show. Just for the sake of honor. Just so the few loved ones I have left won't see me break. I wish to die being seen as strong, even if I already died years ago on the inside. 

I really hate that little bastard.